This previous week we have been traveling up Australia from Sydney to Brisbane in a Toyota van. After hardly keeping my sanity and almost having multiple spaz attacks, we arrived at our new home. The following is a brief recollection of what transpired inside that cursed box. Upon renting the beast from Sydney airport (thanks Avis, you really do try harder), I thought it wouldn’t be all that bad. Then the long drives started. The first night we moved basically nowhere since the highways were closed, and we were in the van for what seemed like an eternity. That’s when I found what would save me from at least some of the torment (the screaming and yelling of young children kind, you know what I mean)–a little device called an iPod. I would from here on out basically suck its battery dry in a day, a feat which used to take me a week or more. We rested at a ridiculoulsly high priced motel, and after sleeping in a bed with a child I will not name who constantly smashed into me and secreted a steady dose of methane from his overworked bowels, I felt no more up to a drive in the morning. We headed off again, and now a new plague set in, the neck pains. Trying to sleep in a car as many may know, is not the easiest of feats, and so after considerable movement and shuffling around I found a position and slept. When I awoke, neck pains were all I felt. The next few hours were no better as my iPod died and the previously unnamed child reduced the air quality of the car to an all-time minimum. Soon another round of cramps set in and I was done. The real blow came when we slept in the thing. That night we could not find a motel and so we had the brilliant idea of sleeping in the van. It was highly unpleasant, constantly getting kicked or having to listen to my dad and brothers’ snoring. I do not advise living in a van down by the river, especially if you have a family of six. Vans are permanently on my ‘do not drive’ list and here are the top six reasons our beautiful roads should be rid of these behemoths. (In no particular order)
1. Neck pains. You will obviously get these in any car if you try to sleep, but I found the pain much more profound in the van.
2. Although they are ‘spacious’ and fit eight, it is usually very cramped inside. I always end up with a little bit kicking me and screams of children seem to reverberate through it.
3. Cramps. Yet again I have felt these in other cars but it is amplified in a van, especially in the gluteus area.
4. It seems to be a virtual airtight box. This may be helpful at times when you pass a cow pasture, but when an again unnamed child releases an ‘old man’ dose of methane, there is no escape.
5. Movable seats. This may seem a nice feature, but if you have three siblings like me, one of the seats is bound to come crashing down on your knees or stomach every hour or so.
6. It’s a machine bred for destruction. What better weapon is there for the road rage-crazed suburban mother to go on a rampage through the subdivision with?
As you may have noticed, this is written in a very joking manner. I do not mean to insult any of the following people: those who drive vans or have caught ‘van fever,’ suburban mothers, or most of all, the unnamed child. I am simply putting forth my opinions about one of man’s craziest inventions.